The hysteria and hype surrounding Game of Thrones Season 6 is nauseating, if not a little disturbing. The media has been pawing – no wait – gouging out whatever they can about the upcoming season. As once-fervent fans of the show, we wanted to give you, the fans out there, a reality check and tell you what we don’t (want to) know about Game of Thrones Season 6 in a nutshell…

Pass the Tomboy Tart Hat On. Share This Article.

   VIEWERS NEED TO STOP OBSESSING ABOUT WHETHER JON SNOW DIED OR NOT. DEAD IS DEAD.

So in the world of the ‘Internets’ where massive hysteria has built up over the shocking denouement of Game of Thrones Season 5 and the start of Season 6, we’ve had a year of the media having a field time, trying to figure out if Jon Snow really is dead and if he has been resurrected. Almost a year since the last season left fans gutted and probably even suicidal, people just can’t believe their favourite hero of one of the world’s most popular fantasy shows was killed off so brutally.

Despite the producers denying his return time and time again or skirting the issue of Jon Snow’s demise (see video above of the creators evading the topic), it just looks like Game of Thrones fans are unable to accept the fact that he is dead. Couple that with the fact that the television show is deviating from the books because there isn’t anymore books in the series to really follow, the hype has escalated to unbelievable levels.

The media has also spent a lot of time trying to trick cast members, including Kit Harrington, to reveal any spoilers about the upcoming season and of course, Jon Snow. Thus, in the spirit of letting the show just do it’s own thing and giving some breather to viewers who’ve had it up to their necks with predictions, trailer breakdowns, spoilers and the media hype surrounding the show, we’ve decided to compile our list of what we really don’t want to know about Game of Thrones Season 6.

Armour up – here we go.

THE RESURRECTION OF JON SNOW

   |

O god! When is the media going to accept the fact that “dead is dead”? And yet, fans of the show and Kit Harington’s hair, have a tough time letting go of that fact. Speculation of the character’s return has been frenzied and if not, a little bit disturbing as set photos of Kit shooting scenes from the upcoming season were leaked online late 2015. The hype has not died down either, if the recent revival of media interest on the subject is any indication. From our perspective, we think it’s better, like Jon Snow, if ‘we knew nothing’ because Game of Thrones not only has a tendency to keep the kamikaze metre ticking ferociously by it’s favourite characters but it also does a good job of sticking the knife deep into the viewer’s guts as well. Thus, if Jon Snow really does comes back, then it’s time for all of us to start resurrecting our dead ancestors as well. Of course, that’ll never happen in actuality, so get real people! Jon Snow is dead and if he’s lucky, buried in a Wildling cave.

DAENERY’S PRISON BREAK FROM THE DOTHRAKI

OK, so boo hoo, Daenerys once again finds herself taken captive by her ex-Dothraki in-laws and relatives. Knowing Game of Thrones, this will not be a warm family reunion with turkey and sweet potatoes on the side. More than likely, Daenerys will die or miraculously get rescued by the best commercial airliner of Westeros – the Targayen Dragon Airways. If that’s the case, well, at least she will be travelling in style, being the mother of dragons and all. After all, nothing beats first class treatment, on a scaly reptile with firepower, so stop obsessing about whether she survives this season or not. We don’t know and we never will until the show airs, so nothing to see here folks – just get back to your Lord of the Rings trilogies, sit tight and remember not to remove your safety belt until the seat belt sign is off.

ARYA’S BOOTCAMP TRAINING IN ESSOS IS OVER

How the hell do we know? We don’t, because at this moment in the storyline, she can’t even pass a simple vision test, let alone know where the bathroom is, so while she’s thrown out of the Hall of Facesthere’s still the challenge of getting herself a blind cane and brushing up on her Braille. Of course, spoilers and predictions are already afloat that she also gets shoved right into the unwelcoming arms of The Waif where she’s supposed to get more bootcamp training (again?!) so whether she ever gets out of Essos is still left to be ‘seen’. One can only hope that she somehow finds herself back in Winterfell, reunited with her direwolf, Nymeria, where she will regain her sight by attempting to ‘warg’ herself into the beast. If she does, then she’ll be the second disabled Stark kid to do so without childcare benefits.

THE STARK FAMILY REUNION

Some folks out there are predicting (and possibly warging) that there will be a Stark reunion of some sort. Well, we admit that if this is so, we don’t (want to) know because 1. they might be killed before that 2. we still don’t know what happened to Rickon who has been MIA since the third season of the show and 3. with Robb, Ned, Catelyn and Jon Snow dead, there won’t be much of the Starks left to have any semblance of a normal family reunion.

THE IRON ISLAND ‘ELECTIONS’

After we left the Iron Islands in the second season, we didn’t hear much from Theon Greyjoy’s real family, Greyjoy & Co. Now it seems like with a vacant seat of power left with Balon Greyjoy’s impending death, competition for the leadership role will be on. As to whether Theon’s tough nut of a tomboy sister, Yara or their dashing uncle Euron (newcomer, Pilou Asbaek) wins is left to be seen. Frankly, we’d rather ask predictions from a biscuit because unless it moves the bigger story further down this plodding fantasy of a tale down the pipeline, this looks like another deviation from the main storyline unless Theon and Sansa Stark come out of nowhere, rain on everyone’s parade with a plan to overthrow the incumbents and claim ultimate power of the territory.

THE RIVERRUN HOT PROPERTY QUEST

So it’s confirmed that Game of Thrones Season 6 will bring some of the action back to Riverrun. According to the latest trailers, we’re back to the place where the gory Red Wedding massacre took place but after leaving the story behind at Riverrun for over 2 years and not seeing a resurrection of Catelyn Stark aka Lady Stoneheart, we don’t even know what’s left in that desolate place to fight for unless the Lannisters want to add another big beautiful swimming pool and castle to their collection of hot Westeros properties. Robin Leach might know something about this.

WHO WILL DIE NEXT?

Ah, this is the big question on everyone’s Game of Thrones utility belt. Who will die next in this sixth season? Well, it could be Ramsay Bolton, Tyrion, Jaime or Cersei Lannister, Jorah Mormont, Arya, Sansa or Brandon Stark, Margaery Tyrell, Theon, Littlefinger, heck – just about anybody that’s alive and breathing on the show right now. As we mentioned earlier, this is a story where no one is immune to death so the ‘Internets’ has to stop hyperventilating themselves about who’s taking the next choo-choo train to Hell, because it just doesn’t pay to stay vested in characters that are more disposable than a pack of Clorox Handi Wipes®. Frankly speaking – the death count in Game of Thrones has become a sort of a running joke with us here at Tomboy Tarts. We predict that by the time this HBO series ends (or if GRR Martin finishes the book), the only surviving characters would be the Iron Throne and The Night’s King, who is already dead but still alive in that undead kind of way and that’s only because we all know that like Lord of the Rings'” Army of the Dead, the dead (and the Handi Wipes®) will outnumber the living in this tale.

Game of Thrones Season 6 will premiere in the US on HBO, 24 April, 2016.

ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO JOIN US ON A SPECIAL GAME OF THRONES-THEMED EPISODE OF TOMBOY TIRADE ON THE 28 APRIL, 2016. THE SHOW IS AVAILABLE HERE, ON  iTunes AND STITCHER.